If TEs were a Restaurant

Ok. I get it. I understand. I am a lowly surfer and affiliate so count for nothing because I am not in there pitching in the same marketplace that the TE owners are.

But there are things that I like and things I don’t like, and I’m going to take you to the TE Restaurant for a couple of examples.

I walk up to a restaurant, and the windows are so filthy that I can’t see in the place. The door handle was last cleaned in the Carter administration, the grime is measurably thick. You think I’m going to go in there and eat? Really?

It’s like not having a design on your TE. So your cousin Myrtle is starting a design studio. That doesn’t make her a designer. Really. Here’s the hint: It doesn’t matter how good your food is if you can’t get people in the door.

So I walk up to the next restaurant. The windows are foggy, but maybe that is just the ambience of the place. It looks ok otherwise and SMELLS like a restaurant. And I AM hungry, otherwise I wouldn’t be here. I open the door, and a guy in filthy coveralls with Bubba embroidered on the pocket says: “Hey. For only $497.00 you can eat here free for the rest of your life. Best deal at a restaurant EVER.” No thanks, I just want to eat. “What? You don’t have $500 in your pocket? Well how about this. For only $97 per month you can eat here 3 days per week and we will throw in one piece of pie per week” Ah, no. I just want a hamburger “Wow. I can’t believe you didn’t take those two offers. Here it is: For only $29 per month you can come in this place and pay us for everything. But if you send us 7 customers per month we’ll give you that piece of pie from the other offer.” “But OK. If you really don’t like saving money and still insist on coming in, we have a seat right over there by the kitchen door for you.”

Really long, boring paragraph that serves no real purpose, right? That’s your DUSAP OTO sheets coming up for people that really want to see what you have in your restaurant. Hint: If you don’t have a real offer that you care enough about to make a page for, take a chance that people might just like your TE and come back.

So. I decide that it smells good enough that I put up with Bubba until the next victim walks in and I can go sit down and look at a menu. The waitress slams down a water glass and a menu, walks off without a word. <Sigh> Let’s see what they got to eat. The menu is in Sanskrit, but fortunately, I have been in enough restaurants with Sanskrit menus that I know what I am looking for. Cheeseburger and fries with a coke. It’s ⅔ or the way down the sheet, hidden under the promo tab. OK. I am ready to order.

The waitress comes back, stands mute at my side. I clear my throat, and say convincingly “Cheeseburger and Fries with a Coke”. She gives me the stink eye and says “OH. You want to EAT?? You will have to fill out this form first. I hope you have a pen because you sure as hell aren’t using mine.” And walks off.

Hint: Don’t make it too hard for surfers to get to the surf bar. Do you really need to know my underwear size to let me surf? Really?

I am smoldering by now, but I do have a pen, and I fill out the form. Every blank, every jot and title. I wave it at the waitress and she comes over. Steps up, and says. “OK. Cheeseburger and Fries with a Coke, right? “ Is that a hint of a smile? Am I going to get to eat?

“Now just take all your money out of your pockets and put it on the table. We will take it all and put it in a safe place until you are done eating and then what ever money you might have left over will go to reducing our credit risk.”

Translation? 100% Auto assign. We DO NOT want you coming back here to assign any credits, you dope.

I am not a TE owner, and will never be one. But I do know what I like and where I can go to get what I like. Are you interested? In what I like? Hint: You ought to be.

I’m just sayin’

For the record: I’m still LEO strong.

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